Why is it OKAY to NOT to Win an Argument!
Updated: Apr 28, 2020
While we are preparing for an interview, we always prepare for this particular question - Where do you see yourself 5 years down the line? or 10 years down the line?
And the answer we think of, are mostly related to a specific designation in the organisation or our materialistic possessions. Why don’t we ever focus on things like-
I would like to have better solutions to my problems then or I want to have more wisdom in life so that I start to RESPOND instead of REACTING to everything happening around me.
At whatever stage of life we are, we will definitely have different point of views. Something very normal to the other person might sound offensive or weird to us as all of us have got different level of exposure and upbringing so its natural to have different perspective over the same situation. And we might end up in an argument.
But is it necessary to react and win an argument every time? or is it okay to let it go ?
Today, let’s discuss that why is it completely okay to NOT to win an argument.
1. Beware of Provokers -
Some people provoke us so bad, may be with their insensitive actions or words. Howsoever hard we try to tackle them with all the patience we have, they keep pestering us with their heartless actions, and yes ! We give up ! and We React. And sometimes when we are taking their nonsensical actions since long, our reaction gets beyond our own control. Now, instead of their actions which were bothering us, our reaction becomes the highlight of the conversation.
She doesn't know how to talk.. she is always rude.. she reacts so bad..
But nobody tries to understand how hurt you were because of their insensitive behaviour towards you, that you were forced to behave in this particular way.
It pinches when we are unable to make people realise that our reaction was a result of their actions. The fact is howsoever hard we try, we can’t change a few people. But the good news is, we can change ourselves.
Here, the only solution is to prepare ourselves.
After staying with someone for a few months or years, we know their habits, so we need to make a note of the things which trigger us the most. It’s better that we prepare ourselves to manage and control our reactions when they do it the next time. It can be as simple as training our mind to take a deep breath or wait for a particular time before we react. Or telling them with a smile on our face that this trigger is not working for us anymore,or not reacting at all.
Trust me, there are people who like to annoy you and then make an issue out of your reactions. So now, when you stop reacting, its going to make them so uneasy. There is a 1% chance that they change their own behaviour towards you because they have stopped receiving that particular reaction they crave for. or even if they don’t, at least you are not wasting your precious energy reacting towards their insensitivity anymore.
2. What’s your priority ?
Do we have a clear vision about our own self that what kind of a person do we want to become in the next 10 years? And here I am not talking of anything professional, these are our personal goals. Just you, as an individual, what kind of physical, mental and emotional strength do you want to possess. or what kind of a vibe, aura or energy do you want to have around you when you are 10 years older. If you haven't thought about it yet, its time to think about it NOW.
If something affects us today, will we let it affect us the same way 10 years from now? It’s time to make a note of things which are lacking from our life- like peace of mind, inner strength, patience, positivity, happiness or may be wisdom. Do we want to spend our lives without these qualities or we want to inculcate these within us at any cost ? If the answer is yes, then life is simple. Lets see how -
When we have set our priorities right we are so focused and committed towards our own goals that we will think twice before wasting our energy and time in proving our point endlessly even when we have a difference of opinion or an argument with anyone.
With this clarity in our mind, we try to see the bigger picture always. We have realised that we will rather focus on gaining more inner strength each day, have patience and perseverance and win over our weaknesses, move on and grow in life instead of winning a silly argument which will just hamper our peace of mind and waste our precious time which we would like to invest in something more productive.
The monster in our mind will always encourage us to keep arguing because once the conversation is heated up, it’s more about satisfying our ego, instead of just proving our point. It needs a lot of strength to quit the argument at that point of time because if the other person is demeaning us, even we have a lot of things to say in return. But we will have to train our mind to be strong and to put a stop to it and move on.
3. Maintaining your own dignity -
Sometimes we would rather prefer to leave an argument in between without expressing ourselves further as we cannot and we do not even want to stoop down to other person’s level.
I truly feel that how a person argues in a fight speaks volumes about his inner self. That argument can be a real mirror of his whole life learnings.
The Weaker the self- Louder the voice and fouler the words.
The Stronger the self - Calmer the voice and firmer the words.
The weaker self is very well trained to dominate the other person in an argument and speak whatever comes to his mind without giving a second though that his foul words might hurt someone so badly. That may be he might lose a beautiful relationship forever. Or if he is a boss, he might loose a great employee.
The stronger self wants to to convey his point firmly and seeks for a solution.
Sometimes when we do not like anything in particular about whatever a person has done to us or said to us, and we try to convey it to him in a firm way, the way they react is so terrible, or I must say so cheap, that instead of getting angry about the things they have said to us, we start to feel sorry for them. It’s better to immediately leave the conversation in between without even trying to prove our point because -
How so ever hard we try, we will never be able to stoop down to their level.
Majority of the time when you get deeper into it, that why did they behave this particular way, we realise that they are completely frustrated with their own lives, so even if we try to convey anything logical to prove our point, we would only get back some more illogical, insensitive and immature foul words in the form of their frustration. and who wants that ?
Sometimes when we see that the only thing growing with a person’s age is his ego, it’s better to leave to protect our own peace of mind and dignity and carry on with our lives ahead.
We behaved a certain way when we were 20 when we entered into a fight or an argument. May be it was too outrageous and loud and people around us took it then. But don’t you think it’s a huge flaw in our own growth if we keep behaving the same way when we are 40, because people might not take it now.
It only depends on each individual’s personal choice. What do we want to focus on -
to grow our ego or our wisdom with each year passing by? It also depends on our company, the kind of friends we hang out with, the kind of clients / colleagues we have, the kind of books we read or how much we travel.
Our life is a combined result of our little decisions and reactions. Sometimes people regret over reacting on a certain situation and end up losing great relations with their loved ones. And there are some people whose ego is so strong that they do not even regret, because for regretting, they need to first realise that they have done something wrong, or they have badly hurt someone with their harsh words. But does that even matter? Just let them be. We should never chase people who chose their ego over us, because we anyways don’t need such toxic people in our life so whats the point winning an argument with them?
4. Background and exposure-
Some people think that arguing in a disrespectful way is normal as that’s what they have been watching at their home while they were growing up. But when you have never seen anyone talking with so much disgrace you are unable to handle it.
We can just try to make them realise that the way they convey their point of view is not normal for us because we are not brought up in that kind of an environment. If they understand, well okay, but if they don’t, then its completely okay to not to respond till the time they show some respect for you while they talk. Let them be. Its time to ignore them because the more you talk to them, the more disgraceful come backs you will have to face.
One major advantage of not reacting under these circumstances is that no one can blame you later that you didn't behave well and they don't get a chance to point a finger at you.
Not many people understand that the world needs more kind and sensitive people, so there will be incidents which will keep bothering you day and night. But this is not sustainable. We cannot spend our life thinking and then over thinking about what people said to us.
Some people use such a harsh tone even to convey simple things which could have been easily be said in a very calm tone without hurting us at all.
Then it becomes about how they said it, instead of what they said. The tone itself hurt us so bad that we do not feel like interacting with them any further.
I feel they are so angry and unhappy with their own lives. And sometimes they want to dominate you that one tiny mistake of yours gives them an opportunity to demean you with such a hurtful heartless tone. If you continue arguing with them, you will only get more harshness in return and you will end up hurting your own self. But its our responsibility to convey it to them very firmly that we did not like the way they spoke to us and we are not going to take it any further.
Because the more you keep taking it, the more they will keep behaving the same way.
6. Some people are always right-
Howsoever hard you try to make someone realise, they never admit their mistake. They will keep arguing and giving you all kinds of lame justifications which are nowhere even related to the issue, but they feel that they are always right. I feel sorry for these people as their mind has become so stagnant with their own belief system that they have no scope to change or grow in life any further.
Arguing with them is like listening to their monologue, because they are so busy proving themselves right that they forget that they need to interact with you if they really need to come up with an amicable solution.
There is no point wasting your precious time and energy on them.
7. You cannot keep maintaining some relations forever-
Yes, that’s the fact of life today. and its better that we accept it as early as we can.
Because there is a certain number of times when you can ignore other person’s irrational behaviour towards you. You have got your own limits of taking their nonsense and conveying it to them that their behaviour makes you uncomfortable.
If they value their relationship with us, they will try to make an effort and change. If not, enough is enough. We will not take the things which disturb us anymore. We have conveyed firmly a lot of times. But if they keep behaving the same way. its time to focus on our peace of mind and let them go.
Trust me, when we keep our personal goals sorted, we will definitely have more energy to focus on our professional goals. We waste a lot of time first entering into an argument, then we keep getting hurt thinking about what that other person said to us, then thinking about what else we could have said to win that, then telling about the whole incident to our close ones, asking for sympathy or agreement in return that how right we were and how wrong the other person was and hours and days are passed in this useless process of proving nothing. Don’t we have much better things to accomplish in life ?
We are living in times where we will HAVE to create a peace bubble around us. This peace bubble is our personal mind space where entry to any kind of negativity is strictly prohibited.
So lets just focus on our peace bubble, let people talk about you, you are here to achieve much bigger goals in life- both personally as well as professionally. It’s time to distance ourselves from all kinds of toxic people by not arguing with them any further, and achieve the ultimate goal of just not breathing, but living this beautiful journey called- Life!